Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

Those three are a selection from an excellent website full of musician jokes (which unfortunately seems to have vanished now).
Scroll down to the bottom of the page for some other (non-drummer) jokes taken from that site.

What is the difference between a toilet and a drummer?
A toilet only has to take sh*t from one @sshole at a time.
(Thanks to jb for that one)

A woman goes to the doctor, who has the results of a recent blood test;
Doc: "I'm sorry to say it's not good news, you only have 6 months to live."
Woman: "Oh Dear, that's terrible. What can I do?"
Doc: "Well, you could try marrying a drummer"
Woman: "Will that make me live longer?"
Doc: "No, it'll still be 6 months, but it will seem like a lot longer".
(Thanks Keith for that one)

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.

Why to bands need Roadies?
To translate what the drummer says.

Two drummers walk into a bar......
which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.

A new customer walks into the new store on the block that sells brains.

There are three glass cases, each containing a nice wet quivering grey brain.

The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10.

The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000.

The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000.

The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson.

"I don't get it...why would I want a drummer's brain for $10,000 when I can get an astrophysicists' for $10?".
The salesman replies, "Because it's never been used."

What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

What does a drummer use for contraception?
His personality!

Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road.

The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!"

The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket.

The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied,
"I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!!!"

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments.

He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian."

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies
"OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.

A guy walks into a shop.

"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation.

As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island.

As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on.

The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."

At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves.

So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop.

The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts

"What happens when the drumming stops?!!"
"Bass solo."

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
(Hmmm... that inspires a turnaround variation...)
Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.

If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.

I lady walks into a store and tell the man behind the counter
she would like some musician brains.
"Alright" he says, "What kind?".
"How much do they cost?" she asks.
"Well, those there are trumpeters at $5 a pound,
those are french horns at $7 a pound,
and those are conductors' at $10 a pound." He replies.
"What are those way back there?" she asks.
"Those are drummers brains. They cost $100 a pound." He replies.
"GOODNESS!!", she exclaims, "Why are they so expensive?"
"Lady, do you realize how many drummers it takes to get a pound of brains?!?!"

What is the difference between a chiropodist and Ginger Baker?
A chiropodist bucks up your feet!!
(with apologies to Ginger Baker fans, ... and those that needed to reach for the dictionary for that one)

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They have a machine to do that now.

Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five: one to screw in the light bulb and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it!

Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?
So that when marching in a parade, they can avoid the sh*t on the road.

Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.

A fellow walks into a shop and says to the shop assistant:
"excuse me, I'd like to buy a guitar pick, and some strings."
The shop assistant looks uncomprehendingly at his customer, and says "pardon?"
"I'd like a guitar pick please, and some strings."
The shop assistant thinks on this for a while, and then turns to his customer and says
"you're a drummer aren't you?"
"Yeah! How did you know man?"
"This is a fish and chip shop."

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.

Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car?
It took him two hours to get the drummer out....

How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other,
"I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman."
The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys."
"Ok," says the first, "you're on."
The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, "Here, this one."
This first subject is dressed in a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week.
The salesman asks him, "What's your IQ?"
"190."
So they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics,
and Non-Euclidean geometry.
"OK," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still have two to go."
He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans,
a tee-shirt, and a baseball cap worn backwards.
The salesman asks him "What's you're IQ?"
"About 100."
So THEY chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar.
"Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go."
He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a really scummy looking guy
in a muscle shirt and shorts.
The salesman asks him "What's your IQ?"
"About 60."
"What kind of sticks do you use?"

What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?
Drool.

How can you tell when the stage riser is level?
The drools comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
"Would you like fries with that?"

If anyone else has got any good drummer jokes (or indeed any about other band members), then please Email me and I will put them here for all to enjoy.


The following jokes were taken from an excellent website full of musician jokes (which unfortunately seems to have vanished now).

Playing in a few folk bands helps me appreciate these two...
(anyone who is not sure what a bodhran is, count yourself lucky !!!!)

What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.

What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A razor blade.

And also a few general music jokes that I like.....

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
Both suck when you plug them in.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the @sshole in the back.

Why is a conductor like a condom?
It's safer with one, but more fun without.

There were two people walking down the street.
One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.

Any other good jokes gratefully received, please Email me and I will put them here for all to enjoy.